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「 Magi c243 」
That last panel. His expression.
Is that what Judar wants to hear? Or something he’s repeated to himself a million times and never let himself believe, even if it’s true? The deep darkness within himself I think he might not even really want to be saved from, that’s screaming and kicking for recognition like a spoiled little child. I think perhaps he’s certain that there’s nowhere else he belongs. Being the villain suits him best; he’s never really had an opportunity to be anything else (which is an excuse, really, he’s always had a choice, but he was never taught just moral values). I don’t think he wants to be saved from his darkness, but rather that he wants both sides of himself to be accepted by someone. By that someone he kept bothering like a crush to a schoolboy, and wouldn’t stop picking fights with until recently. (And he definitely didn’t stop because he lost interest.)
This brat doesn’t want Sinbad to view him as someone to be pitied. And he hates it when people try to make excuses for him, because it’s denying a huge part of who he is/who he has become. (Sorry if I keep on saying the obvious.) Which is why he “faked” that outburst a long while back—to turn Sinbad’s pity into spite. He wants to rub it in Sinbad’s face, perhaps, that he’s truly rotten to the core and there’s nothing he can do to “fix” him, and keep that deep and quiet hope that Sinbad would accept him anyway hidden.
…in my opinion, I don’t think Sinbad actually hates him. I mean, you don’t hate someone and sound almost disappointed when you come across them and they don’t approach you. (I mean, why even bother mentioning running into him sitting on a tree if you weren’t, like, expecting him to come visit to pester you?) And there’s a reason that Judar is Sinbad’s Magi in another universe. The characters might be different depending on the universe, but they’re likely similar at the core, as well as the general nature of their relationships. In the other universe—hell, Sin’s comfortable with putting a hand on his shoulder. (To be honest, Sindra clothes don’t suit our!Judar. Needs to show off more abs. And less green—red and purple are his colours.)
I’m still incredibly curious as to how Judar went about going against Sinbad in the past. On a whim? Spite? …Envy? I’d like to think it was because he was hurt because Sinbad rejected a childish offer of his (world domination again? :P). Considering how young and brainwashed he was, I wouldn’t be surprised if he were more lost than anything. Doesn’t change the fact that he’s pretty damned rotten. (Emphasis on the pretty.)
I can’t tell if that’s self-hatred in his expression, or just bitterness because he’s thinking “that’s not true; he will never forgive me for it, and I don’t deserve to be forgiven for it. I’ve fallen this far already, I can’t be saved. He won’t save me from this crushing depravity.” (oops. that was only supposed to be one line. /cough. I gots a carried aways.) Still, I really wished at one point that Sinbad would have at least a little regret in his heart for not being able to stop Judar, or tear away the clutches Al Thamen has on him. (I’ve given up on this, obviously. = u= Why should any decent percentage of my top OTPs get any actual traction, and live up to their potential that I believed in from the start?)
(Gosh, I don’t think I could love him any more than this. Sorry Izaya, I think I just grew to adore him more than you.)
「 Magi c243 」
"What does it even matter anyway, at this point? The first and true king I wanted to choose never needed me anyway. He even managed to do it all on his own.
We wanted different things. He wanted to change the world for the better, and I’m only ever capable of destroying things. I don’t know anything else. All I could do was taunt him and half-heartedly propose to take the world on together with him, knowing that I’d be shot down. A whim out of my sadomasochistic tendencies.
If I couldn’t have him, the world shouldn’t get to have him either. It’d be much less painful if I just kill him and get it over with.
I have no place in this world, so everything should just fall into depravity and burn up in the wake of the black sun.
I am here. I exist. That darkness within me is still me. He wouldn’t have accepted all of me. Nobody would have.
I would never be able to atone for all my sins, nor do I have the remorse needed to.
My real wish will never be granted.”
…is what I imagine his inner thoughts to be like, whether he admits it to himself or not.
He’s a terrible person, but that doesn’t dent my sadness for him one bit. Because either way, it’s too late for him.
He chose Hakuryuu not really because he wants to make him king. I doubt he even gave a thought to such matters that aren’t about himself, being as selfish as he is. He’s still just wandering around lost, seeking answers. They can’t really lick each other’s wounds. Kouen isn’t as easy to manipulate, and manipulating him would be part of Al Thamen’s plans and not his own.
He’s started to break away on his own, but he doesn’t seem to want to cast off the other one within him. (Not sure if it’s actually a part of him, or a part of the old god.)
He’s probably supposed to be the vessel for the old god.
Dear god, I hope someone saves him from his despair—specifically, a certain somebody whose name starts with Sin and ends with bad.
(You’d figure with a name as evil-sounding as that would have succumbed to Judar’s lovely abs sooner.)
If not, I at least need Sinbad to be the one to end him.